The Truth.

Side note: I wrote this during two different points of the day. Like, I started writing it, then didn't finish it until last night. It was originally in my journal and I'm just copying it onto here. Enjoy, I guess.

August 2nd, 2009

Here it is, that stinge of reality. The feeling you get when everything isn't some fairytale but your actual life. The pain of a broken heart, the joy of Jesus Christ, and the feeling of your life flashing before your eyes all at once. All I've got to say is, when the truth hits, it hits hard. The truth started coming into my life exactly two weeks ago, but the lies poured into my life about 6 months ago. I think the honesty from God was enough for me to stop believing the lies. Hopefully. So here it goes, the story of my fantastic year of 2009, so far at least. I went a whole 13 years of my life without a boyfriend. I had decided dating was pointless at this age, because it's not like we would marry these people we date now anyways, right? Plus, I wanted to save everything for my husband. All I cared about was Jesus and my friends, basically. Well, up until I started public school in August of 2008, after being home-schooled my whole life. After I began school my life was very different, but I tried to shut out all of the stuff I had wanted to avoid. That worked up until the second semester. In January I started talking to a guy I had known when I was younger but had the friendship end after a fight. His name was Tristan, and everything about him seemed so perfect at the time. It was also pretty exciting to think of having a boyfriend. The day after we re-met, we both confessed that we liked each other. Everything seemed too good to be true. I longed for him to be my boyfriend, and for a while we talked as if we were dating. We even shared our first kiss [it was just a peck] before we started going out. Three or four days after my birthday he became my boyfriend. That was in the middle of March. By then I had pretty much forgot about God and all I cared about was Tristan. I didn't even pay that much attention to my friends or family, I became that selfish. I seriously thought we were going to last forever. Is that how everyone is with their first boyfriend, or was I just stupid? Anyways, it turned out that he was a complete jerk, was very manipulative, and also acted just like a girl. I didn't even realize this until after we broke up though. The only reason why we broke up in the first place was because he made me think I was the cause of all our problems and I didn't want to hurt him anymore. I was extremely depressed afterwards because I felt like I had no one by my side, even though I was the one who betrayed everyone else for Tristan in the first place. Even Jesus, the only one I needed. During April and May I spent a lot of my time wishing I had a boyfriend, or even just a, "friend with benefits," I know it sounds slutty, but back then I didn't really care. I was too lonely and I didn't know what else to do. Now I see so many problems with that whole system. I changed even more those months. I did stupid things, and I didn't care at all. My best friend, Kristina, knew I was looking for a boyfriend, so she suggested her friend Logan. She said he was a lot like me, and we'd be good together. We didn't really talk, so I didn't think it would work, but I went for it anyways. We started going out on June 10, 2009. Don't get me wrong, I definitely wasn't using him to make me feel better or anything. I liked him more than you could imagine. We had very similar personalities, and the same sense of humor. We both felt comfortable being ourselves aruond each other, and I trusted him with everything I had. This time I knew I wasn't in love, and I didn't think we'd last forever, but I still wished we would, and he was so perfect. With him I changed even MORE. I relied on physical things in a relationship, even though we both could talk about just about anything together. I also became WAY more perverted and was losing faith in God. I just didn't really care about all of that anymore. I didn't even realize I was different. A few days after we started dating I was deciding whether or not to go to a camp I had been wanting to go to for 3 years, because I knew I was would change and become closer to God, and I was afraid Logan wouldn't like me afterwards. I talked to my other best friend's mom about how I had been feeling, and she encouraged me to go and not to worry about the result. So after a lifechanging month and a half of dating Logan [it sounds overly dramatic, but it really was] it was time to go to ATC; Awakening Teen Camp. Over the past two weeks of camp I completely changed. The first step I took towards changing was deciding to let go of Logan and to break up with him so I could focus on Jesus. After I let go of him I didn't feel very different, but I could tell I was paying more attention to Jesus and watched what I said. I did pretty well with resisting lying, saying anything perverted, and being mean. Meanwhile I was making some very good friends and I developed a pretty big "crush" on someone there. When it was the last few days of camp I didn't want to leave at ALL. I was scared of turning back to my old ways and of being too afraid to break up with Logan, and I was sad because I was going to miss everyone so much. The last night of camp ended really well. I said goodbye to the boy I liked last night because he was leaving then, and said goodbye to everyone else this morning. Since I left it's felt like I'm in a dream, as if I'm not really here, I'm just watching my life. Now, as I sit here on my bed, I can't help but wonder what would've happened if I never talked to Tristan that time, or if I never dated Logan and instead went after God's own heart. I don't think i would be the person I am now. I'd probably be better, could be worse, and maybe I could be the same. I feel pretty confident in Jesus now though, and I'm so excited to see what He has in store for my life. I'd have to say for once, things are finally how He has wanted them to be between us, and I plan on keeping them that way. Like it or not, this time I really am a new Megan Nicole Wood, and I never want to go back.

With much love.

Recently I've been wondering if true love is even real,
Or if it's even possible to be completely and truly happy with someone.
I mean, I know it is, of course.
But sometimes I have my doubts.
You know?
Like, I wonder if when couples are together and they look at each other like they're the only two people alive, if they feel that way later that day when they aren't together. When opportunities rise.
I wonder if everyone will end up cheating on someone some time in their life.
I wonder if even the happiest couples wind up fighting constantly, eventually.



In other news,
I'm grounded for screwing up.
I'm not in a good mood.
And I miss my past too much.

The end.

Let's bring this back once more.

I keep wondering what my old friends would say about me now.
If they would even wanna be my friend,
Or if they would completely rebuke me.



I just want things back to normal.
When I was innocent.
When I was myself.
I'm sorry for screwing up, everyone.
Really.

Wow. Just wow.

I haven't posted anything in here forever.

Some big things that are better now.

a) Me and Lauren made up, but that was forever ago. I'm still glad, though. [:
b) God and I have fixed everything, I'm no longer moody/depressed.
c) I'm truly happy. I have been for a while. Thank God. [:

Oh yeah, and I'm done with everything in my past.
A few weeks ago me and a few other friends, "started over," which was a very good thing to do.
Now all I care about is my present,
Because the past is over with,
The future won't matter til I get there,
But the present is who I am because of the past, and I get to create my future by the actions I make.
So yes, I already said this, but it deserves to be said again.
I'm so happy. :D


Current things happening in my life:

1. It's summer.
   
2. I miss school.
3. I'm a freshman.
4. My mom won't let me go anywhere or do anything.
5. I do like two people, but they both have girlfriends. I'm thinking that's because God doesn't want me to date.
6. I'll be gone 5 weeks in a row this summer, two of the weeks will be at ATC.
7. I really wish I was 18.
8. But oh well, being a kid isn't too bad.
   
9. Oh, and this is the last time I will say this in this blog, but, I'm happy. [:
   

I truly am sorry.

I just realized my last blog was kind of harsh.
I just want things back to how they used to be.
And it used to be me and Lauren were best friends.
I need that, and miss it.
Please forgive me Lauren.

I'm sorry.

So I guess this is my apology to everyone, but specifically Lauren, for being the person i have been.
My life has been really stupid lately.
I've messed up altogether too much, which has led to me
Just not being the same.
I find it hard to be genuinely happy.
I find it hard to laugh with my friends.
I find it hard to be the old me.
I'm such a different person now and I hate it.
So, I'm sorry for being the way I've been.
I'm trying so hard to change. It just feels impossible.


It feels like everything I do is wrong nowadays.
Even when it's really not, people have the tendency to blame it all on me.
And I have the tendency to accept that.
It's like I'm just there, so why not use me and make me feel like crap?
Yeah. Recently I've made my fair share of mistakes.
But it's not all my fault, so stop making it out to be just that.
I have feelings too, you're not the only one.
So while I'm busy apologizing, be sure you are too.
I'm really hurting inside.
I need some of this stuff taken off of my shoulders,
But everyone just keeps putting more and more on me.


So yes, I am terribly sorry your life sucks.
I'm so sorry one of your friends is mad at you,
Or whatever your problem is.
But I didn't do anything to cause that.
So stop acting like it is.

I hope you know what I'm getting at, Lauren.
I haven't been the only one acting different.
Lately, you've given me "attitude," and it makes me feel like crap.
Which leads to me feeling depressed, which leads to me thinking of
Other depressing things, then I'm just stuck like that.
Yeah, I've been moody.
But it's not because it's "that time of the month" or whatever.
I've gone through too much lately, and if you just wanna give up on me,
My "best friend," then go ahead.
I've had plenty of people do that to me.
I get what I deserve.
Bye.

Oh, the joy of the weekend.

So this is pretty much all the stuff that happened this weekend, I'm pretty sure it was too much for my little ol' heart to handle.

Friday Hannah came over here and then I went to her house for a while, then after that we got Timmy and we came back to my house and jumped on the trampoline and stuff.
Then I went to YHOP and stuff and came back.

Saturday (yesterday) I went to the mall with Kaleb, Hannah, Scott, and Nathan.
Kaleb and Nathan left early because they're fatttties, so Hannah and I went around screaming
I love you to random people and doing dragon calls and telling this one guy that smoking is bad while Scott was being dragged along acting like he didn't know us. (:
Oh yeah! And, when Hannah and I were in Hot Topic we went up and hugged this random person 'cause we are just that cool.
Then me and Hannah left and just kinda like...left.
Aha, after I got done with my chores and such muh mommma came home!
What a lovely mood she was in. Blah.
After that I went to Hannah's house with Kaleb and Nathan.
We like just sat outside her front yard and stuff until I realized I had told my mom what street
Hannah lives on, and if she went on that street and saw me with Kaleb and Nathan (I wasn't aloud to be with them) then I would get killlled.
So we went into her backyard and something I'll never forget happened.
It's also something I won't say on here. Muahahaha.
But it pretty much was messed up.
After Kaleb and Nathan left Hannah came over and spent the night!
We watched some movies and such and then went to sleep.

Today was quite interesting too.
Hannah and I woke up and like got ready for the day and stuff.
Then we went on the trampoline and took pictures when we got this wonderful idea to make
A youtube video! :D
I'll put it up here as soon as I can. (:
So while we were making our youtube thing, two random kids (Kaleb and Nathan) were just walkin down the street so we hung out with them again!
I kinda forget what all happened up until one point.
When the same thing happened that happened to me last night, but it was to someone else.
GHdkgsdjgklsg.
I was pretty pissed.
But then I got over it,
But Hannah and I still kicked some butt. :D
Then we went to Kaleb's house for a bit..
That was interesting.
Then I went back to Hannah's and thennnnnn I back home.

And that right there is the story of my weekend.
Now I'm worn out.

I've come to a realization,

That the choices I make would make people sick.

After quite an eventful dream, I've realized I need to change.
God showed me what it was like looking from the outside in.
At first, right when I woke up from the dream til like half an hour later I was
Seriously emotionally paralyzed.
I couldn't decide on whether I should laugh or cry.
Whether to speak, or keep my thoughts to myself.
Honestly, I haven't said anything more than I've had to.
I think if I'm going to speak to someone, it might as well be someone worth the breath.
Example A: Jesus.

This is seriously gonna be the hardest challenge I've faced in my life.
But I have Jesus, and that's all I need.
Keep me in your prayers please. (:

Change happens so fast.

I'll spend my day today thinking about how stupid I am,
And how much I regret ever thinking or doing certain things in the first place.
Everything happens for a reason, yeah,
But you will always have regrets.
I just hate how caught up I get in things.
I haven't smiled since I left Kristina's house,
And that was just because I didn't want her family worried about me.

I hate this day more than anything in the world.
It makes me think of past things, present things, and what will be in the future.
I hate how I was beaming about this day just a week ago.
Actually, less than a week.

I'm off to clean and mope all day, unless my mom let's me do
Something with Aundrea.
Ha, she's my valentine and I'm hers.
At least that works out.
I hope your Valentine's day is better than mine.

Life's too short to be white.

Life's too short to care if your dishes are dirty or clean.
(What do you think life's too short to do? (: )

Anyways, my life is going pretty great nowadays.
Just a lot happening in it.
I haven't had the chance to do home work today, so I guess I'll be working on it all night.
I just drink some wonderful chocolate milk.
And accidentally squirted out too much ranch dressing to go with my chicken.
I really want a chocolate chip cookie,
So if anyone has one bring it to school or groundzero tomorrow for me!
I've been thinking about Valentines day a lot lately.
This is the first time I've ever actually cared about it.
Oh! I got a 91 on my math test.
That's the best I have done on a math test, actually.
So I'm more than happy about that.
I'm such a nerd...
Also, I thought I got an F on my science test,
But really it was one point away from an A.
My grades are finally comin back up again.
Things are finally settling down in my dramatic life.
I just try to take chances and have fun these days.
I wanna remember my life as lived to the fullest when I'm an old granny,
And when I am one I'll keep my "spunk" and run around tp'ing peoples houses and such with my cane and/or wheelchair.
Yes, if I have a wheelchair, I will carry a cane too.
Come on, everyone knows they're stylin.
Also I really wanna act in like...a play.
But I don't know where any places would be that I could audition for one?
Plus I would be nervous as poo.
Well, I'm gonna fix myself a bowl of fruity pebbles and get started on my home work.
Goodnight.
[:

For the first time,

I'm thinking this Valentines day won't be so lonesome like last year.
I finally have things working out...again.
Kristina and I made up.
We have figured this whole thing out.
I'm pretty sure...

I don't wanna wake up early tomorrow.
That'll take away this pleasant mood.
I guess I'll just accidentally sleep in. [:

I do have the sniffles and a wee bit of a cold.
I'll get over it though.
I have a math test tomorrow...
Wish me luck.
Goodnight world. [:

Nothing ever works in my favor.

I was wrong in my last post.
Today has been horrible.
All my hopes for anything at all have been taken away.
I just wish life was simpler.
That's not gonna happen though.
I freaking hate this.

This is the New Year I imagined.

I think God is doing things in my favor.
My grades are being pulled back up (kinda, they're better than they were.)
I am re-friends with one of my old friends.
He's like one of my closest friends ever.
My family...well...I deal with them.
I've always had just enough motivation to get by in life.
But for the first time in forever I can finally enjoy it.
[:

I've hit that moment.

I knew it would come, just like I said in my last post.
I can't stop feeling like I messed up every single thing.
I don't have an actual best friend. Or at least, it really does not feel that way.
With my own happiness comes someone else being sad.
Me getting dirty looks gets that person a talk behind their back.
I hate who I am.
I hate that I care what people think about me.
I hate how I go to a certain extent to make me feel better about myself,
Or talk to "cool" people to make friends with the people who actually secretly hate me.
(Because I know they do, they just pretend to be nice. Don't lie.)
I hate how no one at school can just be friends without thinking,
"I bet she's a jerk,"
Before they even get to know each other.
Or how one girl will talk bad about someone else behind their back just because
They are jealous of their friends or their looks.
Most of all, I hate how all of this leads to the disappointment of my friends and my family.
I'm always letting people down, I just wish I could stop doing that.

That's a shocker.

My life is completely and utterly unexpected.
Ha, that's a lie.
I really wish it was more exciting and "spontaneous."
I don't think spontaneous even exists in our world anymore though...
Everything anyone ever wants is all planned out on TV shows and movies.
So we have these ideas already in our head, and when it happens, it's just not as great.
Or, not as bad.
Because somewhere in the back of our heads we knew it was gonna happen.
Someday, sometime.
I just want something really great to happen soon.
Something to keep me smiling for weeks.
Something that won't let anything change the way I feel.
All the actions I've taken, or, haven't taken, I knew they would lead me here.
I knew this would happen.
It was screaming it right in my face.
And yet, I went on.
I know everything happens for a reason,
And I know I'll eventually find out that reason.
Another thing to expect.
So, for now, I'll just hold my head up high.
I know stupid stuff will come in my life,
And I also know good things will happen.
It's all just a repetetive circle.
But luckily, this is one that actually has an end.
And I'm expecting the best for the end.

I always hated confrontations.

I don't know how I will bear to tell him this.
I can't.
Then there's always someone else...
I want to tell him something.
He should know.

I hate stuff like this.
Someone always ends up getting hurt,
And it's always my fault.

I yam what I yam.

I'm changing.
I won't let this go any further than it already has.
I'm done living in the past.
I'm done with saying I'll quit doing this,
Because I always give in.
The past is the past, and I'm not allowing it to be part of my future.
I am a new person.
I'm not going back.
I won't allow it.

Say hello to the new Megan Nicole Wood, world.

I am the clicker.

I need a fast forward button.
That way I can see where all this trouble leads me.
I think life is as simple as you make it,
But I can't see myself making it simple any time soon,
Because I don't know which path would lead to that less confusing state.
So, for now, I'm stuck here.
What fun this is...

Archie Star and nothing to do,

Night after night falling asleep on my floor.
Thoughts that consume most of my time.
The same thoughts, over and over again.
They're incessant, almost annoying.
The only simple times in my life were when I had a best friend.
Because when I had one, I could tell her everything.
When I told her things, they always seemed to leave my mind.
She would talk to me about it, and I would feel free of the chains that kept me bound.
I'm a hypocrite I guess, though.
I haven't been such a great friend lately.
I suppose I'll have to work on that,
Along with many other things, too.
I sure am a screwed up person.