The Truth.

Side note: I wrote this during two different points of the day. Like, I started writing it, then didn't finish it until last night. It was originally in my journal and I'm just copying it onto here. Enjoy, I guess.

August 2nd, 2009

Here it is, that stinge of reality. The feeling you get when everything isn't some fairytale but your actual life. The pain of a broken heart, the joy of Jesus Christ, and the feeling of your life flashing before your eyes all at once. All I've got to say is, when the truth hits, it hits hard. The truth started coming into my life exactly two weeks ago, but the lies poured into my life about 6 months ago. I think the honesty from God was enough for me to stop believing the lies. Hopefully. So here it goes, the story of my fantastic year of 2009, so far at least. I went a whole 13 years of my life without a boyfriend. I had decided dating was pointless at this age, because it's not like we would marry these people we date now anyways, right? Plus, I wanted to save everything for my husband. All I cared about was Jesus and my friends, basically. Well, up until I started public school in August of 2008, after being home-schooled my whole life. After I began school my life was very different, but I tried to shut out all of the stuff I had wanted to avoid. That worked up until the second semester. In January I started talking to a guy I had known when I was younger but had the friendship end after a fight. His name was Tristan, and everything about him seemed so perfect at the time. It was also pretty exciting to think of having a boyfriend. The day after we re-met, we both confessed that we liked each other. Everything seemed too good to be true. I longed for him to be my boyfriend, and for a while we talked as if we were dating. We even shared our first kiss [it was just a peck] before we started going out. Three or four days after my birthday he became my boyfriend. That was in the middle of March. By then I had pretty much forgot about God and all I cared about was Tristan. I didn't even pay that much attention to my friends or family, I became that selfish. I seriously thought we were going to last forever. Is that how everyone is with their first boyfriend, or was I just stupid? Anyways, it turned out that he was a complete jerk, was very manipulative, and also acted just like a girl. I didn't even realize this until after we broke up though. The only reason why we broke up in the first place was because he made me think I was the cause of all our problems and I didn't want to hurt him anymore. I was extremely depressed afterwards because I felt like I had no one by my side, even though I was the one who betrayed everyone else for Tristan in the first place. Even Jesus, the only one I needed. During April and May I spent a lot of my time wishing I had a boyfriend, or even just a, "friend with benefits," I know it sounds slutty, but back then I didn't really care. I was too lonely and I didn't know what else to do. Now I see so many problems with that whole system. I changed even more those months. I did stupid things, and I didn't care at all. My best friend, Kristina, knew I was looking for a boyfriend, so she suggested her friend Logan. She said he was a lot like me, and we'd be good together. We didn't really talk, so I didn't think it would work, but I went for it anyways. We started going out on June 10, 2009. Don't get me wrong, I definitely wasn't using him to make me feel better or anything. I liked him more than you could imagine. We had very similar personalities, and the same sense of humor. We both felt comfortable being ourselves aruond each other, and I trusted him with everything I had. This time I knew I wasn't in love, and I didn't think we'd last forever, but I still wished we would, and he was so perfect. With him I changed even MORE. I relied on physical things in a relationship, even though we both could talk about just about anything together. I also became WAY more perverted and was losing faith in God. I just didn't really care about all of that anymore. I didn't even realize I was different. A few days after we started dating I was deciding whether or not to go to a camp I had been wanting to go to for 3 years, because I knew I was would change and become closer to God, and I was afraid Logan wouldn't like me afterwards. I talked to my other best friend's mom about how I had been feeling, and she encouraged me to go and not to worry about the result. So after a lifechanging month and a half of dating Logan [it sounds overly dramatic, but it really was] it was time to go to ATC; Awakening Teen Camp. Over the past two weeks of camp I completely changed. The first step I took towards changing was deciding to let go of Logan and to break up with him so I could focus on Jesus. After I let go of him I didn't feel very different, but I could tell I was paying more attention to Jesus and watched what I said. I did pretty well with resisting lying, saying anything perverted, and being mean. Meanwhile I was making some very good friends and I developed a pretty big "crush" on someone there. When it was the last few days of camp I didn't want to leave at ALL. I was scared of turning back to my old ways and of being too afraid to break up with Logan, and I was sad because I was going to miss everyone so much. The last night of camp ended really well. I said goodbye to the boy I liked last night because he was leaving then, and said goodbye to everyone else this morning. Since I left it's felt like I'm in a dream, as if I'm not really here, I'm just watching my life. Now, as I sit here on my bed, I can't help but wonder what would've happened if I never talked to Tristan that time, or if I never dated Logan and instead went after God's own heart. I don't think i would be the person I am now. I'd probably be better, could be worse, and maybe I could be the same. I feel pretty confident in Jesus now though, and I'm so excited to see what He has in store for my life. I'd have to say for once, things are finally how He has wanted them to be between us, and I plan on keeping them that way. Like it or not, this time I really am a new Megan Nicole Wood, and I never want to go back.